How Many Sohmas Are There Anyway?
by Aiffe
Summary: Tauna Sohma, a Mary Sue, comes to Japan looking for Kyou. But with so many Sohma Mary Sues already there, she just may have to go door to door! [Parody, Oneshot.]


Disclaimer: Believe me, what I'm doing to these characters is nothing compared to what the real Mary Sues do every day, in fact, in comparison it's quite mild. The Mary Sues within are my original characters, if any of them bears a striking resemblance to your OC, I didn't steal it, but you should re-examine your writing.

* * *

I step through the streets of Japan, looking at the world I was born in, but don't remember. My name is Tauna Sohma, and I'm here to find my long-lost brosband Kyou. Somehow I have divined that he lives with Shigure and Yuki Sohma, but where they live, I have no idea. I don't want to visit the main house, because I still owe Rin $5,000 from that pyramid scheme, so I have to find Shigure on my own, somehow. 

I open a phone book, which is, to my good fortune, not only written entirely in English, but for all of Japan, which is still a small, vague place in my mind. Sohma, Sohma, I think, at least it isn't a hard name to remember! But when I settle through the S's, my jaw drops.

There are so. Many. Sohmas. Licking my fingers for traction, I count the pages. Thirty-one. Thirty-one pages of Sohmas. I feel lightheaded. I scan the ranks, hoping to see "Sohma, Shigure," "Sohma, Kyou," or even "Sohma, Yuki," but no such luck. Most just have initials, or simply say "Sohma." This could take days! Determinedly, I yank the pages out, not considering that someone else might want to find a Sohma in the conceivable future.

I find a quiet park bench to sit down on, and examine the entries. I cross out the ones that are too far away to be my Kyou, and believe me, there aren't many. I scan down the list, Sohma, H, no, Sohma, Lolita, _no_. I settle on Sohma, K, one of five, and start walking.

I knock, cautiously. "Kyou?" I call out timidly. It would be amazing luck to find Kyou's house on the first try, but stranger things have happened to me.

A girl answers. She is so stunningly gorgeous that I nearly make love to her on the spot. "Kyou?" she asks. "Where!?" Her bright violet eyes sparkle against her silky hair, which has blonde streaks, and green tips. It looks like it takes a lot of upkeep to maintain that dye job, but at the moment, it could use nothing so much as a hairbrush, a fact that oddly enough doesn't affect her beauty.

"Um, no, I was looking for him. He's my brosband, and we're gonna live in bliss together," I explain.

The violet-eyed beauty casts me an evil look, and slams the door. I shrug, and look at the next name on the list.

I knock on the next door. A man with mixed light and dark hair answers. He's got a lot of ear piercings, and lipstick marks all over him. A very sparkly girl pushes him aside. "Oh, hi, I'm Katie Sohma, who are you?" she asks.

"I'm Tauna Sohma," I say brightly. "I'm visiting from America."

"Oh, me too!" Katie exclaims. What a nice girl. I get lost in her eyes for a moment, and I seem to have the same effect on her.

"Um, right," I say, snapping out of it. "I'm here for Kyou. He's my brosband." I smile.

The girl shrugs. "I think I've seen him at school, but I don't know him, we're in different grades. Good luck, though." She smiles, and the pierced boy continues to stare into space like a zombie. I wonder if that's normal for him, and shrug it off.

"Bye," I say, forcing myself to break away from her unnatural prettiness one last time, and walking off, list in hand.

I knock on the third door, my feet getting sore from walking. Chances get better and better with every knock that I'll be reunited with my Kyou at last, I tell myself. There is a vague pounding noise inside the house. Nothing happens, so I knock louder.

The door opens, and out explodes a cacophony of very angry rap music. The darkest skinned Japanese girl I've ever seen stands in the doorway, and says something, but I can't hear her over the music.

"WHAT?" I yell, my words ineffectual against her boombox.

She tries to yell something back at me, but shakes her head, and goes inside for a moment. The music stops.

"I said," the girl says, "my name is Kahylee Sohma, what's up?"

"Oh, I'm just looking for my brosband," I say, smiling innocently.

"What the hell?" Kahylee says. "Brosband? Is that—"

"Yes, it's a brother who's a husband," I say happily. "Mine is Kyou Sohma, we were married as babies, I just found out about it. Isn't it wonderful?"

Kahylee just looks at me. "Girl, that shit's messed up. You on drugs? Because you should either stop taking them, or start."

I pout. "Look, can you tell me where Kyou is, or can't you?"

Kahylee shakes her head. "I was just here for Momiji. Good luck with your sick, messed up marriage, 'kay?"

I sigh, thank her, and hit the streets again. Only two more Sohma, K's left, one of them's bound to be my Kyou, I tell myself hopefully.

The next house has even more disturbing noises coming from it than the last. A person, I _think_ it's a boy, is screaming bloody murder, and I hear something expensive-sounding shatter. Before I have the chance to knock, the door opens. An effeminate boy with pewter-colored hair and glitter smeared all over him tries to make a break for it, but someone grabs his wrist and pulls him in. She isn't a big girl, but she's big enough to manhandle this delicate young boy, and more surprisingly, she looks like she took a bath in glitter.

"HI!" the glitter-girl exclaims cheerfully. "I'm Kusai Sohma, year of the unicorn!"

"Shoulda been year of the skunk, with that name," the boy says cruelly.

"Kusai, kusai," I repeat to myself. "Hey, doesn't that mean 'smelly?'"

"I dunno, it sounded Japanese!" Kusai says. "All Japanese things are classy and pretty, don't you think?"

"Um, right," I say. I choke on glitter a little, and the boy gives me an almost sympathetic glance. "I'm Tauna Sohma," —the boy groans, though I have no idea why— "and I'm here looking for Kyou Sohma. He's my brosband."

Kusai blinks at me. "Would you like me to do your hair? You have pretty hair. I have a lot of nice hair glitter..."

"Um, that's okay," I assure her, "I'm just looking for Kyou."

The boy struggles a bit more. "If you find him," he pants, "tell him Kusai Sohma has me, tell him to rescue me—" Kusai yanks on his arm, pulling him closer. "Anyone!" he shouts desperately. "If you find any real Sohma, tell them!" Kusai pulls him in the house all the way, winks at me, and closes the door.

I have the odd feeling that if I stick around, I may witness a rape. I blink. And people say I'm messed up...

I am so sore by the time I get to the fifth house. It even hurts to knock. I entertain happy thoughts of being massaged by Kyou, and feel slightly better.

A girl answers, she's nice looking enough, but not earth-shatteringly beautiful like the others. I'm certainly prettier than her.

"Ah, hello!" I say. "I'm Tauna Sohma, year of the ocelot, and I'm looking for my long-lost brosband, Kyou Sohma!"

The girl's eyes narrow a moment. "I'm Kagura Sohma, nice to make your acquaintance," she says, and punches me brutally in the gut.

I cough and spit, but in the sexy, irresistible way. "Kagura... why?"

"Why?" she asks, grinning like a maniac. "Do you have any idea how popular Kyou is with his relatives? There are kids being born with tails _before_ they transform! And poor, poor, Kyou, he never wanted any of these girls!" She kicks me hard, several times, I go down, and she stomps on me. There is a joy in her eyes at beating me like I've never seen. I might have met my end right there, at Kagura's doorstep, but I put all my focus into one thing.

Spitting blood, I look up at Kagura, with my sexiest expression, and say, "Kiss me, Kagura." Kagura gulps, and kicks me again, halfheartedly. "Oh, Kagura, let's let our love unfurl," I moan at her, even though she's rather ordinary, and I don't really want her. But it's working, and Kagura whimpers and bites her lip. She stomps on me one last time, and runs into the house, covering her ears.

I pick myself up off the ground, slowly, painfully, and look at my list. No more Sohma, K's, but there are two that just say "Sohma" that are in the right general area to be my Kyou. I limp onwards.

As I approach the next house, I see an exotically beautiful girl watering her garden. A man hugs her, and she turns into an armadillo. I sigh, and go to the next house on the list.

I pause outside to lean on the railing of the seventh house, exhausted and battered. I hear voices inside the house. It seems rude to eavesdrop, but I don't want to disturb them, and it just feels so nice to rest for a moment. And by the sound of their conversation, I don't think they really want company at the moment.

"Please, give it to me!" the girl begs.

"No, it's too big! And there's no reason to!" a sexy man's voice says.

"Oh, but _doctor,_ I want it!"

"I don't want to hurt you, please, stop this!"

"I need it in me, or I'll die! I'll just lie here and _die_!"

I sputter, and quite accidentally fall on the door, and to my horror, it swings open. I am shocked to see that the people I heard before are fully clothed, and talking over a medical bag, and both of them have their hands on a gigantic hypodermic needle. They look at me, the girl looks offended, the man looks relieved.

"Has anyone seen Kyou?" I ask awkwardly.

They both shake their heads.

"Sorry to bother you," I say, and leave, closing the door behind me.

"Give me your injection of love!" I hear the girl beg as I put the house behind me.

Shaking my head, I pull out the magazine-sized list again. "Sohma, Samantha Crystal Trinity Tonks," no, I don't think so. "Sohma, Sugar," how imaginative, what's this, "Sohma, S." Shigure? Could be. I limp off hopefully.

If this doesn't work, I think, panting in front of the door, I don't know what I'll do. Find a place to crash, and become another Sohma in the phone book? I shudder. No, this has to be it. I steel my nerves and knock.

And old man answers. "Shigure Sohma?" I ask hopefully.

He sighs. "Kumiko, we've got another one!"

"Another what?" I ask, as an old lady comes to the door.

"Look," Kumiko says, "We aren't those Sohmas. We're the Sohmas from Okinawa. _Completely_ different family. We don't know anything about any Zodiac, 'year of the parakeet,' hot gorgeous babe-men, or whatever you girls keep going on about."

"Oh," I say, crushed. "You're not Shigure?" I say to the man, with my one last hope.

"Sorry, my name's Saburo. Look, if you don't have any place to go, you can come in and have some cha."

I nod, the tears coming.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, are you going to let every sparkly foreigner with a handful of phone book in the house?" Kumiko grumbles. "We should at least start charging."

"Well," Saburo says, "look at her, the poor thing, she's all bruised up, and nowhere to stay. And she is quite sparkly."

Kumiko steps on his foot.

I follow them in, lost and alone and feeling hopeless. There really are a lot of Sohmas in Japan, aren't there?

s

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(Meanwhile, in Shigure's house...)

"Ah," Shigure says, stretching. "It sure has been peaceful, lately."

"Yeah," Kyou agrees. "I tell you, changing our family name to Fuchida was the smartest thing we ever did!"

"Poor Yuki, though," Shigure laments, "it wasn't fast enough for him."

"Yeah," Kyou says happily, "Sure is peaceful around here."


End file.
